DEUCES, 2017. 2018, I got my eyez on you. (1.1.2018)

2017 you tried to break me, and almost did. I said ALMOST. I am not broken, not any where near broken. But damn, 2017 you did your best.  And 2018, I got my eyez on you.


Over the past week I have felt an unfamiliar trepidation, apathy, or fear of what’s ahead in 2018. Normally I face the new year with an upbeat, cockeyed optimism, but not this year. I finally realized that despite the fact there was much to celebrate about 2017,  I have a certain PTSD that was mitigating my excitement for the possibilities ahead in 2018.

For some perspective, in 2017 I faced blatant body shaming and discrimination in my professional life, I injured my foot and couldn’t walk without a limp for almost 3 months, I had to face the realities of aging and mortality in both my parents, the death of a lifelong friend, the death of a dear teacher… and I feel like I’m missing some other shit, but I’mma stop there. I think that’s enough for my point to come across, it’s been a hell of a year.

However through the darkness two important mantras have emerged… “I am enough” and “I am not a victim”. I wrote a lot this last year, 3 pages every morning to be precise- an important element of “The Artists Way”, and all this writing has served me well. These pages allowed me to see my own self doubt, sabotage, and take responsibility for my actions as well as have compassion for my learning curve along the way.

Years ago I decided I would make decisions from a place of love and NOT fear. As I felt and finally acknowledged the fear I had about the new year, I realized I had to make a conscious decision to move forward in love, and not the fear created by my PTSD. I didn’t know how that felt or what that looked like, which was frustrating. Until this morning, as I wrote my first morning pages of 2018 and it came to me- love in this situation looks like moving into the new year boldly, shedding fear and trepidation with “I AM ENOUGH” tattooed into my heart and mind.

It’s true, 2017 taught me that shit can be real hard and that I can feel broken in ways I hadn’t previously imagined. But 2017 also taught me that I am enough and that I can handle these challenges… and so with that in my heart, I face 2018 in love. Love for myself, love for the life I’ve created, love for my community, love for my art form, love for my family… this is something that will take effort, but with the concept of “I am enough” leading the way and “I am not a victim” singing harmony, I feel confident I can make this happen.

So how does all that “woo-woo talk” translate into action?  For me it looks like this- last night I chose to celebrate New Years Eve with my best friend, her husband and infant son who just radiates love.  Then I went home before midnight and took my ass to bed.  It felt amazing to drift asleep just before midnight knowing I would wake up in 2018 feeling well rested and loved.  Today I will post this blog, along with a picture I was too fearful to publish before… an image I created to make a statement that only now am I feeling bold enough to stand behind.  Rather than going for my New Years day hike, a tradition I have held on to for  the last 10 years, I will go for a stroll on the beach and hit happy hour with a friend who felt that was more her speed today… and that’s OK.  This is what moving forward in love and “I am enough” looks like for me, how about for you?

Cheers to you all, much success and love in 2018. Let’s continue to be there for each other, celebrating the wins and healing the wounds.

You got this. We got this. I got this.  You are enough.  We are enough.  I am enough.